BAAF publications about adoption

Adopted children speaking Caroline Thomas and Verna Beckford with Nigel Lowe and Mervyn Murch For anyone wanting to learn about children's wishes and feelings about adoption, including first introductions, moving in, and establishing new relationships, this book contains many revealing insights. 176 pages BAAF 1999 ISBN 1 873868 78 2   Find out more

The Adopter's Handbook Information, resources and services for adoptive parents Amy Neil Salter A "must have" resource to help families help themselves throughout the adoption process and afterwards. This guide will help you become well informed about many issues involved with adoption, as well as identify support and resources to help you achieve the best for your child. 108 pages BAAF 2006 (3rd edition) ISBN 1 903699 92 4   Find out more

Adopters on Adoption Reflections on parenthood and children David Howe This absorbing collection of personal stories gives an insider's description of the growth of adopted children into adulthood. Experienced adopters (whose children are now young adults) describe the importance and distinctiveness of adoptive parenting. 146 pages BAAF 1996 ISBN 1 873868 32 4   Find out more

Adopting a Child A guide for people interested in adoption Jenifer Lord BAAF's best selling beginner's guide describes clearly what adoption means, the sorts of children waiting to be adopted and how to go about it, illustrated with photographs and short case studies. Includes useful addresses and a list of adoption agencies around the UK. £8.50 124pp BAAF 2006 (7th edition) ISBN 1 903699 93 2   Find out more

An Adoption Diary A couple's journey from infertility to parenthood Maria James This is an inspirational story of one couple's emotional journey to become a family, which gives a fascinating insight into adoption today. In a moving real life account every aspect of the adoption process is chronicled, from the moment the decision to adopt is made following years of infertility. Spanning almost four years, the diary covers the assessment procedure, the workshops, the heartache of months of waiting and the final match with two-year-old Peter who lives over 200 miles away! The author talks openly and honestly of the difficulties of a long distance adoption, explains what it feels like when an adoption finally happens and charts the first few months of family life. 148 pages BAAF 2006 ISBN 1 903699 21 5   Find out more

Extract:
Our first adoption workshops, May 2002

I've never really relished "induction" days whenever I've started a new job. The "Introductions" in particular terrify me - standing up, apprehensive, red-faced, struggling to describe my finer points for the delight of a captive audience.

I wonder what I might say about myself, if asked, at our first adoption workshop. I imagine I would say that I'm gregarious, caring, a good friend, an avid reader, a dog lover, knowledgeable about wine, an aspiring novelist and a dreadful cook. If asked about my husband, I would say that he is witty, dependable, a good listener, a Mini (car) fanatic, hideously untidy, brilliant with computers - and my very best friend. So I start to wonder, as the day of reckoning beckons, will we actually have to stand and announce ourselves or will I be able to remain anonymous - a vigilant observer, quietly blending into the background?

Saturday 11 May 2002
When it comes, the morning could not have had a more disastrous start. Just as we are about to head for the train station, en-route to London, we have an electrical fire in the hallway. Clearly not wanting to leave an unsafe house, we have to leave a message for our adoption agency and hastily call out an electrician.

This does nothing to help our nerves. It is the first day of our adoption workshop and all is not well! Ringing our agency once more, I explain that with two train connections to catch, we will be with them by 11am. The course is due to start at 9.45am. We will be at an instant disadvantage and will feel decidedly uncomfortable walking in on a room full of people, probably all staring at us. What a great start to the day. We assure each other that the reality cannot be that bad.
But it is.
It is awful.
Sixteen people, all wearing name badges, sitting in a grim-faced circle. If it hadn't been for the amiable social worker, trying to make us feel welcome, I think we'd have walked out then and there. I console myself that at least we have missed the introductions.

Everyone breaks for coffee after we arrive, so this gives the social worker time to fill us in on what we have missed. Then our name badges and folder of notes are handed to us, and we take our seats in the circle. I immediately feel sick with nerves.

The first exercise after the break is "ripping paper". It is powerful stuff and a very clever way of bringing home the upheaval that most adopted children have suffered in their short lives. The social worker, Dee, takes a large sheet of paper and asks us all to contribute experiences and factors that make us the person we are today. She writes down: home, parents, school, friends, pets, hobbies, travel, stability, family, guidance, discipline, neighbours, clubs, holidays. These are just a few of the suggestions put forward. Dee then takes the large sheet of paper and rips it into shreds, symbolic of the fragmented life of the adopted child.

Quite thought-provoking really, like literally having the rug pulled from beneath your feet. Every facet of the child's life, any pattern of continuity just torn to pieces as the child is moved time and time again - saying goodbye to parents, siblings, carers, peers and a house they probably thought was their home.

Dee then scatters the torn pieces of paper onto the floor in a complete jumble; a few pieces flutter away and are lost altogether. She demonstrates just how difficult it is to try and put the bits back together again, like a jigsaw with missing pieces. Most of them just do not seem to fit and it would take masses of patience and time to fit them together again properly.

In much the same way as an adopted child would probably come to us with his or her entire history scattered into tiny pieces.

The next exercise is equally powerful and beautifully simple. A second social worker shows us a bag containing a few treasured possessions, which a six-year-old may have accumulated over the years - maybe it's a faded scarf or a Christmas card from a foster carer, an old train ticket, a broken toy, or something that reminds them of a sister or brother. There is no need for words. The exercise serves to reinforce what should have been obvious to us: that all of the child's belongings should be kept in a special, safe place, not washed and tidied away, and that children should be encouraged to talk about the contents of their treasure bag or box whenever they want to.

It is a very moving exercise and many people begin to look visibly upset.

It is surprising to see that there isn't a broader cross-section of people on our course. We expected more single applicants, more council tenants and not just "homeowners". They pretty much all live in London apart from Rob and me - and quite a few of them already have children, which is another surprise to us. A lot of them are quite a bit older than we are - perhaps a factor in how solvent they appear to be, which one couple seems at pains to emphasise. They point out that, although they have a huge house, their own businesses and lots of money, they still feel excluded from their neighbours' gatherings because they don't have children. It is as if money can buy them everything else in life and yet they still don't fit in - so enter the adopted child to help ease matters at their next summer barbecue.

It is astounding to hear this particular couple's motivation for adoption. Nearly everyone else on our course seems very pleasant and as nervous as we are. It is just not quite what we had been expecting.

On a more positive note, however, it is encouraging to see three couples of mixed ethnicity and an Asian couple on our course, as it is common knowledge that there are not enough black or mixed ethnicity adopters coming forward. Often black children and children of dual heritage end up staying in care for a very long time, so it is great to see that we are not all white.

Group work comes next. It is one of the things that I've been dreading most - often lacking in confidence in such situations.
It just shows how wrong you can be.
This first group-work exercise, in fact, is a turning point for us all - enabling everyone to interact with one another and certainly helping us all to relax a bit more. We work together on the "Adoption Triangle". Basically, it involves looking at the adoption process from the child's birth family's and the adopters' point of view.

We have to chart both the losses and the gains of an adoption, and in my group we have to work from the child's perspective. It is terribly easy to list the losses a child has suffered. Fortunately we can think of many gains too: a loving family and stable home, security, safety, the opportunity to express themselves honestly, perhaps the chance to bond with a new brother or sister or a pet. It is all very informative stuff.

Separated from me, Rob and his group have the more difficult task of seeing the adoption form the birth family's point of view. My initial thoughts on this had been fairly black and white. If the child was give up for adoption or taken into care because the parents could not bring up their children, or neglected or ill-treated them in any way, then I reckoned that was their look out - and they should deal with the consequences accordingly.

I'd never before looked at the middle ground - the grey area in between. The exercise shows me that the emotional impact on the whole birth family is immense - we're not just talking about the birth parents here.
What about the grandparents?
What about the siblings?
The impact of an adoption is obviously felt by a wide circle of people. It also teaches me that for a mother to give up a child, or have a child taken into care, is never a cut and dried situation, never a final ending. It opens my eyes to the pain that is involved, and rather than feeling quite indifferent to the birth family's anguish, I now feel a strong degree of empathy in many of the cases.

The third group completes the adoption triangle by discussing things from the adopters' perspective. They particularly address contact with the birth family and the importance of letterbox contact, seen as essential so that an adopted child does not feel abandoned or forgotten by their birth family.

However, the best bit of this first workshop for most people is, without doubt, the adopters' talk. A couple who have adopted two young children through the agency have come to tell us of their experiences and to remind us that they once sat where we are now - feeling just as overwhelmed and apprehensive.

It is a wonderfully positive message to us all - and a much needed lift to the spirits. Two points especially make their mark on Rob and me.

Firstly, just how many times these young children have been moved from home to home. A two-year-old may have moved house twenty times or more. Unthinkable, isn't it? I mean, as an adult how stressful do we find one house move? Bear in mind that at least for us that usually means moving with the same people - staying with the people we love, our family.
Not so for the adopted child.
So a poignant comment comes from the father of the adopted children. It had taken his little girl almost a year to learn to trust and bond with him - never having had a positive male role model in her life before.

Secondly, it took many months for that same little girl to believe that she wasn't going to be moved on again and that yet another family had not given up on her. She used to ask visiting family and friends if they were going to be her new mummy and daddy. The concept of a permanent, stable home was not one she had encountered. Over time, this little girl began to understand that this mummy and daddy would love her for life. She was not going to be moved any more.

It is a very touching moment for me and brings home the sheer emotional insecurity that these children must feel before eventually learning to accept love in a permanent adoptive home.

So we leave, armed with reading material and homework, which is answering a questionnaire on "separation and loss" and the probable effect on a child when removed from their birth family. The workshop has been intense and everyone by now is mentally exhausted and in need of fresh air.

It has been a lot to take on board for the first day of a workshop - and all I can think of is that we have another three days to go!

Approaching fatherhood A guide for adoptive dads Paul May This is the first book in the UK to combine adoptive father's experiences with a guide to the adoption process - from the man's point of view. This timely book examines who these adoptive dads are, how they tick and what they make of the families they create. 182 pages BAAF 2005 ISBN 1 903699 65 7   Find out more

Attachment, trauma and resilience Therapeutic caring for children Kate Cairns A beautifully written, heart-warming and insightful book based on the author’s own experience of long-term fostering. She shows that families can develop strategies and techniques to successfully handle life with traumatised children. 182 pages BAAF 2002 ISBN 1 903699 10 X   Find out more

Could you be my parent? Adoption and fostering stories Edited by Leonie Sturge-Moore An inspiring and informative collection of accounts of various aspects of adoption and fostering as published in Be My Parent. Adopters, prospective adopters and foster carers share their insights and experiences. 182 pages BAAF 2005 ISBN 1 903699 82 7   Find out more

Flying solo A single parent's adoption story Julia Wise Julia Wise gave up a high-flying career and a hectic life in London to move to the country and pave the way for what would be a life-changing experience - adopting a child on her own. This book tells Julia's very personal story, but it is one that will resonate loudly with single adopters everywhere. In this heart-warming and humorous account, the author lays bare her mistakes and misconceptions and shares practical advice and top tips – never apologise for being a single parent, develop your laughter muscles, buy a good aluminium ladder and much more! Inspiring and accessible, this book describes the realities of life on your own with an adopted child. A must-read for potential single adopters. 126 pages BAAF 2007 ISBN 978 1 905664 00 9   Find out more

Extract:
At our very first meeting, Alan came running to the door and recognised me from the pictures he'd seen. I was astonished at this bright little chap who knew I was his mummy. When I remember that moment, in my head it's like one of those romantic wedding pictures you see, where the couple are in the centre of the picture and they're framed by a sort of blurry line that suggests the mists of time or whatever. The truth is that he came running to the door, with a bottle of sugary drink dripping all over him. He had something horrible and sticky all round his mouth and his nappy, a frankly rather stinky one, was hanging off him. Somehow, although it must have registered somewhere in my memory, I didn't notice that at the time. Love at first sight? Yes, I think so.

In black and white The story of an open transracial adoption Nathalie Seymour This honest account follows Nathalie and Tom, a white couple living in 1970s Britain, who wanted to have a family but knew that they could not have biological children. Adoption was their aim and their wish. At a time when black children drifted in the public care system, it seemed right and desirable to establish a transracial family. But Nathalie and Tom went further: they wanted their children to remain connected with their birth family and to have pride in their heritage. Neither they nor the professionals advising them foresaw where this approach would lead and how it would affect the children, their birth family and the whole process of adoption. The story describes how the two children settle in with their new family, with varying degrees of enthusiasm and success. It follows them as they get to know their birth father's family and in time make the dramatic decision, one by one, to leave their adoptive hom. But that is not the end of the story… 184 pages BAAF 2007 ISBN 978 1 905664 10 8   Find out more

Extract:
One day at tea time, Danny said to me "You aren't my real Mummy and Daddy. Cynthia and Jackson are.

I explained again what we had told him many times before, that it was true that they were his birth parents, but that we were going to adopt him. Danny stopped eating to comment.

It's wrong for a white person to nick a brown person's children."

Lesbian and gay fostering and adoption Extraordinary yet ordinary Edited by Stephen Hicks and Janet McDermott This immensely readable book will be of enormous encouragement to lesbians and gay men considering adoption or fostering, telling openly and honestly how it is without being weighed down by jargon or politics. 206 pages Jessica Kingsley Publishers 1996 ISBN 1 85302 600 X   Find out more

Looking after our own The stories of black and Asian adopters Edited by Hope Massiah This inspiring collection looks at the experiences of nine adoptive families and their children. It explores their motivation to adopt, what their social workers had to offer or not, the roles of friends and family, and what adoption has meant to them. 132 pages BAAF 2005 ISBN 1 903699 70 3   Find out more

Loving and living with traumatised children Reflections by adoptive parents Megan Hirst Based on the experiences of nine individuals who adopted traumatised children, this book looks at the "co-operative enquiry" they set up to investigate the effects of trauma on themselves. 104 pages BAAF 2005 ISBN 1 903699 67 3   Find out more

Real parents, real children Parenting the adopted child Holly van Gulden and Lisa M Bartels-Rabb This useful guide takes parents and professionals through the stages of child development, explaining what adopted children at each age commonly think and feel about adoption and how parents can respond. 280 pages Crossroads Publishing 1993 ISBN 0 8245 15145   Find out more

Related by adoption A handbook for grandparents and other relatives Hedi Argent with a contribution from Kate Cairns Brief handbook giving grandparents-to-be and other relatives information about adoption today that will directly affect them and showing how they can support building a new family through adoption and the positive roles they can play. Sensitively written with many case examples. 70 pages BAAF 2004 ISBN 1 903699 39 8   Find out more

Other books you might find useful...

Archer, C, First steps in parenting the child who hurts, (Jessica Kingsley), ISBN 1 853 02801 0

Van Gulden, H and Bartels-Rabb, L, Real parents, real children: Parenting the adopted child, (Crossroads Publishing Company), ISBN 0 824 51514 5

Fahlberg, Vera The Child's Journey Through Placement (Gateway Press Inc.) ISBN 0 963 64800 4